Blessed Be The Name

The drive to Eureka Lake Park is about 50 minutes. It’s a drive that I’ve been taking once a week for most of this summer (with the exception of the last two weeks) to play frisbee with the college group. Yesterday I excitedly got into my car. Looking forward to the evening, the long drive alone didn’t even phase me, in fact, I was glad for the chance of some quality prayer time. I turned on the radio to 91.5, but it soon faded into the background as I began to talk out loud to God.

At one point I had the thought that the song Blessed Be Your Name would be a great song to hear right now. I remember sort of praying that God would let that song come on, but I stopped myself thinking, that’s not fair because God doesn’t work like that.

Guess what: Not a moment after I thought that, tears welled up in my eyes as that exact song began to play on the radio.

Now, I’ll be honest, I’ve been struggling this summer. I can’t pinpoint one exact reason, but for weeks I would just break out in tears for no apparent reason. Nothing would excite me and all I could think about is when my next opportunity to sleep would be. It confused me to no end because Joy has always come so easily to me before and now all this crying. Before, all I would have to do is think about God’s creation and His love for me and I was all smiles, but now when I thought about those things, I would cry because I know I have friends who don’t know that love. If I thought of how great my family was, I would cry because orphans in Jamaica, Haiti, and Africa do not have a family. If I thought about my future, I would cry because I want to surrender it all to God, yet I can’t deny the fact that I do have dreams and desires and I felt my trust in His plan waning. I tried to be reasonable with myself and figure out why I’m sad and would come to the conclusion that I’m focusing on myself way too much. (This is always the reason for struggling in the past and to combat it, I would just make a conscious effort to really care for and focus on someone else.) But then I realized that I spend so much time alone driving and doing cleaning jobs that there is no one else around to focus on. I also thought that the turmoil inside must be because I’m not giving myself 100% to God, that I must be holding something for myself, therefore, not receiving the peace that comes with doting on Him. But the more I thought about that the more I cried because I truly am trying my hardest. I’m praying and reading all the time and working so hard to keep my every thought on Him and yet I continuously fail. Inevitably, my mind will stray during my prayers to the stress of school, planning of my schedule, thinking about my future etc. and I would catch myself and realize it too late. Through all this my faith was weakening. God, I thought, It’s impossible, I can’t do this, and You never seem to help me. I’m always hearing about how when we ask something of You that your answer may not be in our timing or it may be no, or wait, but God, Why! Why can’t it just happen now when I need You? Why don’t You ever work in the present?

Now I feel a bit sheepish. God does work in the “now”, He proved that to me yesterday in the car, my eyes just aren’t sensitive enough to see His work usually.

I think I’ve been making Christianity harder than it’s meant to be, I’ve been expecting too much of myself. God doesn’t expect me to be perfect, He knows that is impossible, that I’m human. He wants a willing vessel that desires to glorify Him, and then He will give the tools possible to serve.

I’m glad to say that I believe I’m pulling out of this valley that I’ve been in this summer by the Grace of God. He is so amazing and I just love Him so much.