Lessons

This being the week of midterms, I decided I was not going to have time to blog about the horse fair. All I can say is it went GREAT! everyone understood the story that was being told: Cinderella. I already have an excellent plan for the next routine. Since I haven’t worked out the details yet, I can’t give much away, but I will say that it will be dramatic and a huge witness.

I decided on this idea when over the weekend I had a conversation with Karin. She said that all of this is such a huge gift from God. We aren’t rich or extra special, so for us to be showing off before so many people is purely a blessing. In church we always hear about using our talents for God’s glory. Now, I’m not going to brag, it’s only through a lot of practice and the personality God gave me, but vaulting and performing are some of my stronger talents and I’m blessed so much to have the opportunity actually use them! All Glory to the Lord of Hosts!

I try to use this blog to report on events in my life, because those are pretty interesting and things that I want to remember. But, very often I find myself talking about my spiritual journey and I think I’m about to do that again, so bear with me. Its just that I have been learning so much throughout my life. When I look back its amazing to see how much I’ve changed and to know that I still have an unfathomable amount of changing and growing yet to do. I don’t have time now, but I want to post my ENTIRE testimony here and then you’ll see too the work GOD (not Rebekah) has been doing, and will keep doing in me.

Anyway, lately I feel that I’ve been learning a lot of lessons. Things like being patient for the Lord’s plan (and I’ll just say it cuz I know your thinking it: by the Lord’s plan I’m referring to marriage), dealing with pride, seeking God’s will, hiding Gods word in my heart, etc. And, those lessons have stemmed from many trials, which may seem small to some, but are big to me in the long run, like frustrations with school is a main one. Lately I’ve felt like I’m in a limbo of sorts. I want to serve God wholly and I want to DO all this stuff, but I can’t because of how much school weighs me down. And, I know it’s important, but just this time of plugging through it all and always looking at the future LONGINGLY is a real downer. I look at Zach Knobloch and in my heart of hearts I want to make a big life change to serve God in a big way, but I CAN’T BECAUSE OF SCHOOL!!! And then people always say that when you’re young and single is when you can serve God the best, but it just so happens that, at least currently, that is not true. I guess the real frustration comes from when I try to sit down and prioritize with the intention of cutting things out of my life to make room for God, I realize that the biggest thing keeping me from that is impossible to cut out.

Well, from these frustrations have come many lessons which I am glad for. The biggest one is: Be still and know that I am God. It is becoming very clear to me that God doesn’t want me to go out and serve in a huge way, he wants me to quiet down and bask in His light (“For the Lord God is a sun and shield”). He probably knows that it would be too hard for me to do it without being full of pride and He knows that I’m probably not mature enough to handle it. And that makes me think, wow, God understands me better than I understand myself. Just when I felt like I knew what I wanted to do and what was best for me, God reveals that its…not. This all goes without saying that I know I’m to be a light where I’m at, and for now, I guess that’s IT. And I’m happy for that.

You know what else I’ve been learning. To love and trust in my Father in heaven above all things because NOTHING in this world is sacred. NOTHING is invincible. NOTHING will last for eternity save for God alone. Ulcerative colitis is a disease in which the immune system in the gut becomes deranged. It attacks the very body it is within causing said body pain and discontinues the normal functions such as digesting resulting in malnutrition. Though not fatal, it is an incurable disease which can only be “managed” through medications and eventually surgery. For those who have it, life is based around times of remission and times of pain and illness. Dad has this disease and praise be to God that a recent colonoscopy revealed that it is in remission. However, he is still experiencing pain and symptoms. This means there is something else wrong with him. This means testing. It means having hopes raised then crushed and raised again. It means uncertainty and causes worry and hope at the same time. I’ve heard of many people who have gone through this sort of thing, and I’ve been sympathetic toward them, admired their faith and strength, said a prayer, and moved on. In the back of my mind I always thought its easy for them to have great faith when going through trials. I have it good, so having faith is harder for me, therefore, I’m deserving of some praise or something. But that is not the case at all! Having faith and trust is not easier when your going through uncertainty and worry! Its terribly hard to have to say God is in control and knows what he is doing when you know that God could chose to take any life away in an instant. It goes against your whole being to give God glory when you feel so at his disposal. When everything is like thin ice you want to throw your arms up in despair and deny the Sovereign being who holds the world and has a plan for each person and has the power to plan for one individual to live in a constant illness.

So, having faith is not easy in times of medical trials and uncertainty. These are times when we look at life and realize everything is so fragile.Throughout the entirety of my life, I’ve pictured the future and imagined scenes such as embracing my dad after a walk down the aisle, presenting mom with her first grandchild over tears of joy, meeting dad over my lunch break just because we are in the same area of town, spending Christmas at “my parents house” with my brothers and sisters and their spouses and children, seeking mom and dad’s advice when I go through struggles as an adult, and taking care of them with a joyful heart when they are old because I know what they did for me all my life and to return the favor in everyway possible. But, it dawned on me that this is not to be expected, in fact it is hardly worth hoping for. Someone could die, they could find something terribly wrong in dad’s stomach through one of the tests, or any kind of disaster could strike this family and those daydreams could vanish instantly. NOTHING in this world is sacred. NOTHING is invincible. NOTHING will last for eternity

….except God.

Praise the Lord, and rejoice with joy unspeakable.