Questions and Burdens

I don't know who reads this blog, but for the post I am about to write, I hope there are some older and wiser. Something that has been bothering me lately came up while on the way to Indiana Dunes. As always, the conversation became deep and serious and through the trip I learned allot about my cousin Kari. She made some statements about her love for God and how she desires Him more than food or breath. My mom has also said that there are times in her own life where she found complete satisfaction and closeness to God. I want that, but I don't know how to get it. I can't force my heart to yearn for something. I can't just wake up one morning and say that my passion is for God, can I? My question is this:  How does one become spiritually hungry? What steps must I take? I know how to act passionate and emotional about God, but closing my eyes and holding my hands in the air while I sing seems so superficial at times. I don't feel like emotion will get me any closer to God than it would for any other aspect of life like school and work. What then? Reading my Bible? Fasting? Praying? What can I do to draw nearer to God? These are probably questions that someone who has just found Christ would ask, and, to my embarrassment, perhaps I have failed so much when it comes to growing in the Lord, that I have remained, for the six years that I've taken the label of Christian, a baby. It has taken me this long to realize what I really want and that is to grow nearer to my God. And there's another thing, you know those videos about how small earth is in comparison with the universe? The ones where the camera just keeps flying further out in space and at each stop a spec is pointed to that is our earth? Well, if I am on this spec of an earth and I am so small, how can I bring glory to a God that holds it in His hand? I have gone through days in which I get up and intend to glorify God just a bit more than the day before, by keeping Him in my thoughts, praying without ceasing, showing kindness, etc. and by the end of the day, my mind becomes so fatigued, that I feel tired physically. I will do this for a few days until I have to throw my hands in the air and give up. Then I'm right back to where I started, apathetic and just getting by with the least amount of effort given toward worshiping my God. How can I combat this roller coaster? How can I better glorify my Lord, if I can hardly handle a few days of living for Him? Is there a way to truly give your ALL to God? Is it possible to give more than your all? If so, I want to do that. I owe it to Him.

Now, I'm going to sound like I'm complaining a bit, but there is something else on my mind that is far more serious than my personal walk. A few weeks ago, Craig Stickling had a talk at the ISU Bible study with just the girls about Redeeming our Bodies. Perhaps it's just because it came up and now it's on my mind, but before the Bible study I had a small list in my mind of girls that I was praying for to overcome eating disorders. That list has been growing quickly and has become such a terrible burden. With each person that is added to it, I feel my heart breaking just a little more for them. You see, to those who don't understand this, an eating disorder is like a really unhealthy habit that could put someone in the hospital in a long time, but it is not the body that becomes sick, it is the mind. If a person has gotten to the point of forsaking food for the  purpose of reaching the world's standards of beauty, then they are also forsaking the One who made food and made their bodies perfect. Their focus is on self and the pride alone can harden a heart against the love and help of family, friends, and God himself. I'm not saying that all girls who struggle with this are doomed to hell, but I am saying that it is a road that leads to terrible places, mentally. Daily, I wish that I didn't have this list of girls who struggle.  My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will move through their hearts and change will occur.
With these two issues in mind, this song sticks out to me. It's Beautiful, by Bethany Dillon. In the end, whether we have elementary questions or burdens, the most important thing is being Beautiful for Christ, but not beautiful because that is how He made us, beautiful on the inside. It's funny that being beautiful on the inside is the most important because that is in our power to change. Though I know that I have struggled with seeing myself as beautiful and I know that many other girls do, it's good to know that it is God who stepped inside my heart, and I am amazed at that.

"Beautiful"

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful